Bog #6: Identity Kit

When I was born, I was introduced to my primary discourse. The community and culture I was surrounded by shaped and formed my thoughts along with beliefs. There, I learned how to act and talk certain ways when I was around certain people. It is an eye-opener when I think about this because rarely do I ever have to consider what my primary discourse was. This reading by James Gee made me think deeper about my discourses associations.

Being bilingual for example, my first language is Vietnamese and English is my second. I can remember the time when I entered into school without knowing barely any English and I still find it funny how I made it through. But I think it was society’s way of telling me to adapt or I am going to be left behind. I pretended to understand whatever the teacher was talking about and quickly picked up the attitude of the students around me. At certain points, being nice was not good enough anymore because of the language barrier. My mushfaking was when I started to repeat common terms the other students were saying and eventually learning the definition as I start to use it in sentences (the dictionary was my savior). Now, I know that this was the beginning of my secondary discourse.

I realized I not only have to talk the talk but walk the walk in order for me to be credible. I began making friends because I was able to pick up some communication skills and joining different activities at recess. I know there were some kids who made fun of me but there were others who were very supportive. I think if I didn’t try to break down the barrier and pretended I was one of them, I would have had to eat lunch alone for a very long time.

This is all to say that till this day, I still mushfake it every time I am in unfamiliar environments. I am an introvert and I feel like I am living in a world full of extroverts. I mushfake by blending in and staying back instead of voicing my opinion unless asked to do so. I would rather observe because I think the extroverts have got it covered on the speaking front. I try to not draw attention to myself because I find it a waste of time to communicate unimportant things and it takes too much effort out of my day.

This does not mean that I won’t speak or I am timid or shy, I am just more comfortable around the discourses that I am used to. I do not mind having to answer questions when asked but it is funny that I would rather ask questions at the end of class or when people aren’t focused on me so much. Whenever I try to join a new discourse, I am very nervous and it daunts on me that I have to mushfake to get rid of my anxiety. I have to try to fit in just as I did when I was trying to learn English. Though I know that I will not master perfectly all the language and attitude of each discourse completely, it feels good to be able to continue learning and be accepted in a community. This also leaves me with the satisfaction that I am adapting to my surrounding through various ways and leaving behind the anxiety of any “social change” I encountered.